There has always been a missing part of me.
I was an identical twin. My twin died shortly after birth.
Growing up I always felt there was something missing. I didn’t know what it was, just that it wasn’t there. Everything would have been different, better if my sister had lived. I would have had that one person who understood me. That one person that loved me more than anyone else did. That one person missing. My twin.
Even now as an adult there are times I feel that way still. I have lots of really good friends. I love them and couldn’t imagine life without them. But not one of them knows me completely. Not even my family knows me completely. I am sometimes outspoken. As I have gotten older though I keep many thoughts and opinions to myself. Old friends know the younger me and the current friends of the last 20 years know the adult me. My twin though she would know ME. Not the young me or the older me, just ME.
I always had the fantasy that my twin didn’t really die and she was adopted out. One day we would meet and be the best friends and sisters. Wouldn’t that be cool?
Why when people lie to us, cheat on us, deceive us are we supposed to forgive?
People say it will make you feel better. It will make you “a bigger person”. How? I am as big a person as I am going to be. Those who have lied to me. Cheated on me. Deceived at every turn. They need to forgive themselves because it won’t be coming from me.
When I was married and living in a new city with new baby my Ex cheated and lied to me. I had no friends and worried about paying the rent. I worried about buying formula. I worried about buying diapers. I worried about paying daycare. Hell I worried about buying food. While I figured out how to pay all these things he would get paid, cash his check then forget where he lived until the money was gone (a day or two). Sometimes he would make it home, then as he got worse he would end up arrested for DUI and in jail. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
I left for a time when I was pregnant. When you beat me up while I am pregnant with your child and hold me at knife point for hours because you are high. When you make be believe you are seriously going to kill me and actually stab yourself (then the police don’t believe you are that stupid and threaten to arrest me) hold me down and bleed on me. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.
I believed you had changed and you did for awhile. I took you back. Well not changed but you buried the true you for a little while. While you were on house arrest life was perfect! You went to work, you came home you gave me your checks. You didn’t drink. It was the happiest time in my life. If you were still on house arrest we would probably still be married. You got off house arrest and within a few months you began drinking even heavier than ever. You shattered my life. You threatened me, harassed me and stalked me. You even tried to get me fired. You tried to get me fired from the job that was supporting the child you didn’t (and still don’t) support. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!